I’d suck as a parent because…

I’m starting to realize why people with children take so long to start & finish projects around the house.

My mom is the perfect example of this! She is very much like me, pouring over decorating magazines (for Mother’s Day this year I got her a subscription to Better Homes & Gardens), dreaming and planning. We have Saturday afternoon “Benjamin Moore dates” and ooh and ahh over the new color collections. She recently became inspired to paint the ceiling in her kitchen/dining room/hallway a pristine pale blue! The ceiling hadn’t been painted since the house was first built over 20 years ago, and over time had become a trifle…dingy. As long as you didn’t look UP it was fine, but inevitably people look up, so she decided it was time to break out the paint brushes.

First, she tore pictures out from magazines. And then waited. Then she went to Benjamin Moore and bought two different color samples, painting wide swaths of color on the ceiling for comparison. And again, she waited. And talked to friends about which color was better. And waited some more. And talked to me about which color was better. And waited even more.

And finally she went to Benjamin Moore, bought the paint, and painted.

The whole process took three months.

Had it been my house, I would have gone crazy. I’m a “get it done as fast as possible before I accidentally spill paint on one more piece of furniture even if it takes all night” kind of person myself. But my mom had a handicap, and that handicap is a four letter word, spelled K-I-D-S.

She’s got oodles of offspring still living at home. 7, in fact. 5 of us are out of the house at college or with spouses or moved to different cities, but 7 are still there, living, eating, sleeping, and taking up her precious time & space. The woman is a SAINT! She loves being a mom, and if it means that painting the ceiling in three rooms is going to take three months, by golly, she deals with it. But me? I’m not like that! If I can’t “git ‘er done” in an hour/day/weekend, I’m not likely to start. I hate having my home in upheaval for any extended period of time, and finishing projects with kids/puppies underfoot (yes, I did just make that comparison) is not my idea of a good time!

You might be thinking, but Hannah! You only have one new puppy and you can’t handle him? Tsk tsk! But we don’t just have one new puppy. OH NO. We now have three.

Mark with his babies Leia, Luke & Bailey

Bailey overboard!

Leia & Luke. Leia’s on the left and she’s making the BEST FACE EVER.

It’s a crazy story, but again, we’re pretty crazy people! A few days after we brought Bailey home we started thinking about the brother we’d left behind. He was still there, covered in fleas and having a rough time of it, and it seemed so pathetic to leave him. We kept thinking about it and kept thinking about it just couldn’t get his little face out of our minds, so we called up the breeder to see if she still had him. Not only did she still have the brother, but the couple that had chosen the little girl (the one we had originally wanted) had never called her back. So we hopped in the car that very evening and picked both of them up! Of course, that’s exactly what we had to do. At this point, we knew even if we couldn’t keep them all, we could find them good homes! Much better homes than where they were living at the time.

If you’ve lost count, we had five dogs at that point. 5. Cinco. Cinq. δΊ”. No matter how I say it, that’s still AN EFFING LOT. (that last one I got off Google Translator- it’s Chinese:P)

To give you an idea of the crazy PUPPY PARTY we’ve had going on at our house, may I present for your viewing pleasure the following home movie:

(Yes, that is a pee spot on the rug. Don’t judge us. Also, I very nearly said “gang banging” instead of “humping” on the video, and caught myself at the last minute, because my mom watches my videos. Gee willikers that was a close one.)

It’s like a three-ring circus, just without the tent & elephants! And clowns. Unless I’m the clown- the sad clown. When I’m not fishing puppies out from under the couch (what if they get STUCK under there! And POOP! Or EAT SPIDERS!) I’m chasing them away from the “big dog” food bowls and rescuing the ones that get stranded on top of the couch cushions. We bought a set of dog stairs and they’ve figured out UP but not DOWN. Apparently they were not bred for intelligence. Quel dommage.

All of this has made me realize something very important.

I’d suck as a parent because…

Reason #1: I am not a saint. I am not above telling the puppies to “f***ing pee already it’s two o’clock in the g*dd*mn morning!” Which is highly inappropriate language for impressionable young minds. Or so I’ve been told. I have also been known to screech at said puppies upon discovering them chewing on a particularly beloved pair of hot-pink patent leather ballet flats. I’m pretty sure parents are supposed to have more patience, or understanding or whatever.

Reason #2: I like sleep more than I like anyone, kids included. My husband can attest to this one. While he was on second shift I would apparently berate him for being “effing loud” (again with the foul language! Bad Hannah!) upon his coming to bed. Or so he says, I remember nothing! I’m not a chipper “rise and shine!” kind of person- GOD no. In fact, the word “chipper” is even worse in my book than the language I use regularly to shame my incontinent puppies. So it was with great dismay when I realized that not only do these puppies need to pee in the middle of the night (and in the middle of mommy’s REM cycle), but also that if they’re not let out fast enough, they bark! Loudly! How’s that for an alarm clock? And they don’t even need batteries.

Reason #3: I like to spend money on ME.Β This one is killing me right now. These puppies weren’t cheap! We spent cash buying the babies.

Bringing Luke & Leia home!

We feed them.


We take them to the vet.


We had to replace my summer sandals because *someone* thought they were a chew toy (coughBaileycough).


For all that dough, I could’ve bought a snazzy new Coach purse. I could’ve bought several snazzy new Coach purses, and I would have started with this one. Or maybe this one. (Mark, I hope you’re taking notes for Christmas!)

And WHAT do the puppies choose to repay us with???

Princess Leia taking a nap.

Leia again, being snuggled. She’s so photogenic!

Luke & Bailey, snuggles!

Ohhh, that’s right. They repay us with-

Unbelievable cuteness! Eternal devotion! Undying gratitude!

Thankfully, just last night we placed pretty Bailey with a nice young couple. They passed all of our pre-adoption tests with flying colors, so we’re confident he has a good home just like we wanted. Luke & Leia are joining our family permanently! So if anyone wants to dog-sit in exchange for puppy kisses, let me know.



5 thoughts on “I’d suck as a parent because…

  1. Oh my god, this made me laugh so hard. And cringe. Because seriously, projects take for-ev-ah with a toddler around, wanting to help! Today, Henry and I went to Lowe’s to pick up a gallon of paint, and what I thought would be a quick stop turned into a lengthyyyyy time, because twice, he looked up at me from his stroller, and announced urgently, “Mommy, PEEEEE!” two trips to the bathroom and an hour after we walked into the store, we finally left. WITH paint, fortunately. πŸ™‚

    A few days ago, I was moaning to myself how much easier it would be to get everything done that I want to, without a sweet toddler underfoot – but then I realized that if I had accomplished all this before he came along, I wouldn’t get to see the look of awe on his face when he comes out after a nap, sees what I’ve done to the kitchen walls {and the front door! I loooove my red front door!}, and coos, “Mommy PAINT!” {though it does sound more like, “Mommy, PAIN!” heh} πŸ™‚

    Anyway. Yes, it takes much longer to accomplish goals and complete projects – I just have to fit them in during naptime or after he goes to bed {which is precisely why I am awake at 1:30am…I just finished painting the kitchen. πŸ™‚ }

    uh, also, I found out the hard way that I can only paint when he’s asleep. ahem.

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