Potty mouth

If you’re American when you enter the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave, what are you while you’re in the bathroom??

-EUROPEAN.

Yeah, I went there.

Those of you who know me, you know that I don’t shy away from a good joke! (those of you who don’t know me, you’re about to learn real fast) I get that from my dad. He has a few classics that he likes to pull out during family dinners or holidays, like, “Have you heard about the new Chinese abstract artist? His name is Hu Flung Poo.” Or “Guess who invented the mini-skirt. Seymour Butt.” We don’t shy away from toilet humor, either, and enjoy a good joke no matter the subject matter.

Although I tend to favor the cleaner jokes,

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper says, “Oh really! You have a drink named Phil?”

It should come as no surprise that I’ll repeat anything I hear. Even if it’s mildly inappropriate, racist,or irreverent- if it’s funny, I’ll pass it on! (Don’t judge me, I just love to laugh. Don’t even get me started on my blonde-joke repertoire) I tend to use my blog to release my inner b*tch, but for people who don’t blog, I’ve found that most of their snark goes in the comments section on Yahoo News articles. For example, a few weeks ago I read an article on Yahoo about the recent migration of Great White sharks to a Cape Cod, MA beach. It featured this photo:

Which is scarily similar to this scene from Jaws:

If the man on the kayak was replaced with a boy on a boogie board. Skip forward to 1:45 if you’re just watching for the action- I prefer to slowly build suspense by watching the whole clip. DUHH-dun! DUHH-dun! DUH-DUN DUH-DUN DUH-DUN DUH-DUN!

With the “Jaws” Theme song running through my head, I scrolled down to the comments section of the Yahoo article, prepared to laugh my ass off. I was not disappointed.

Blue with brown streaks…get it? If you still don’t get it, message me and I’ll explain it to you, poor thing. You obviously missed out on having a dad like mine. Anyway, I read that and had to choke back snorting laughter lest my coworkers wise up to the fact that the businesslike typing at my desk is not, in fact, related to business. In case you couldn’t tell where I was going with that story, the comment was repeated during Sunday brunch with my family. Maybe when I’m 24 I’ll be more mature. And yes, my dad laughed so hard at the joke I thought he was going to choke on his chicken! Mission accomplished (the laughing, not the choking…jeez you guys).

Considering how much I enjoy toilet humor in general, you’d really think that I would have been more help with the DIY project Mark & I did over the weekend, as it was a project involving, you guessed it, our toilet.

Our water bill averages around the same amount every month. Some months it’s $5 higher, some months it’s $5 lower. Except for last month. Our water bill was a whopping $40 higher than usual, or about 150%. That’s a lot! We had someone from our water company come out to double-check our meter and look for leaks. He didn’t find anything, so I wrote it off to watering the plants more than usual. One evening while I was folding some laundry (this is sounding like a detective story now…IT WAS THE BUTLER IN THE PANTRY) I heard something strange. Upon investigating, I realized that our toilet was running. I hadn’t flushed it in hours and it was still running. The handle had come loose and I had to jiggle it back into place before the water would shut off…WTF?

My rule of thumb is that when you have to “jiggle” something in order for an appliance to work properly, it’s broken. The water in our toilet had been running for hours- maybe even days- without us even realizing it! (at this point I started to feel a little guilty for all the horrible thoughts I’d been having towards our water company when I thought they were over-charging us).

Usually when we realize something is broken I get excited about shopping for a new one! But I’m trying to be a good girl due to my planned epic shopping trip to Ikea happening at the end of this month. I remembered a post that I read ages ago on the YoungHouseLove blog, about pimping out a toilet to be more “eco-friendly”. So I ended up buying this:

It’s the HydroRight Dual-Flush toilet conversion kit, sold for $22 on Amazon.com. This product has mixed reviews- some people really love it, and some people really hate it. I ended up loving it! I don’t know how it works… Remember I said I wasn’t any help with this project? I held the camera phone. Read the post on YoungHouseLove if you need more details. Basically it lets you choose how much water you want to use to flush the toilet- about half a tank for #1, or you can use a whole tank flush for #2, and you save bajillions of dollars, and the planet. It’s very scientific.

Installation looked like this:

No, I don’t know what is happening in this picture

Pretty sure installation is complete here.

And after it was installed:

Push the top button for a quick flush, the bottom button for a full flush.

YOU try wallpapering behind a toilet. It doesn’t happen.

Remember how I mentioned the HydroRight Dual-Flush converter having negative reviews? I very nearly wrote one myself! After it was finally all jiggered into place and tested (took about 15 minutes to install once we made heads & tails of the directions), Mark & I high-fived and went out to the kitchen to discuss whether going to see the new Batman movie would be worth it, if we could possibly die at the theater. And then we heard the toilet running.

AAARRRRGGHHH

This converter relies heavily upon the performance of a pretty shitty (pun intended) silicone seal. Apparently everyone has issues getting this seal to sit just right, and if it’s not *just right* the water leaks out, leaving you with an even higher water bill than before. Which, according to Amazon.com reviews, tends to piss people off (pun intended, again. Man I’m good!).

My husband, bless his heart, sat like this:

Be vewwy vewwy qwuiet, he’s listening to the toilet

…for about 30 minutes straight. He re-fitted the silicone seal (he thinks he fitted it better the second time as he heard something “pop”, indicating a good seal, that hadn’t happened the first time around) and then listened to the toilet to hear if the water was still leaking.

Thank God that fixed it! I don’t know what we would have tried next. Singing to it?

Melvin the Camel enjoys his throne

So that’s the story! And now you know that I am incapable of posting about our toilet without mentioning 1. pee, 2. bowel movements, and 3. sharks. What was up with the sharks?

xo,

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